I’m debating which of two moments in time were my favorite parts of my experience watching Now You See Me. Either it was near the end when the final reveal occurs and a lady in the front left of the theater started laughing uncontrollably and causes the rest of the theater to start laughing with her, or it was in the parking garage, listening to all the cars beeping as people were trying to locate them en masse. Both of these moments were more entertaining than most everything actually in the film.

Here’s what movies like this do to my legacy.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s usually a warning flare for a film to be an ensemble of famous people because it shifts focus from doing what is best for the story to doing what gets the largest audience. And apparently the studio thought that was ok because this cast of famous people phone it in.

A figure, cloaked in secrecy (a.k.a. wearing a hoodie), clandestinely recruits four talented magicians by sticking a tarot card with an address on it somewhere each of them would be surprised to find it. For instance, in the middle of a piranha-infested fish tank. I thought it strange these magicians knew that upon receiving said cards they were to do as they were told. Obviously they knew something I didn’t. Some secret magician’s code or something.

Jesse Eisenberg is SO Jesse Eisenberg as J. Daniel Atlas, the “control freak” magician. Woody Harrelson is completely convincing as Woody Harrelson, I mean, Merritt McKinney: womanizing stage hypnotist and mentalist who thinks being cheeky is a substitute for a personality. Isla Fisher is remarkably unremarkable as Henley Reeves, former assistant to Atlas, but now more successful than him. And Dave Franco plays the slight of hand specialist, Jack Wilder, who is best at stealing things and is possibly the most compelling of the four.

Morgan Freeman is very Morgan Freemanny as Thaddeus Bradley, professional magic debunker. And finally Michael Caine is exceptionally Michael Cainey, playing Arthur Tressler – who bankrolls the “Four Horsemen”: the newly recruited group who are on a yearlong mission to steal money from the rich and give it back to the poor. Following a blueprint spirited up by the hoodied mastermind that none of the four have met, they move from town to town performing increasingly amazing tricks of monetary transactions, and avoiding the closely following FBI team, as headed by Dylan Rhodes (Mark Ruffalo in a role that is an amalgam of obvious detective tropes and a distinct lack of care). He is paired up with Interpol agent Alma Dray, played by Mélanie Laurent,  after the first crime takes place in France.

Please Sir Michael, how do you seem convincing with this dialogue?

This brings our main character count to eight. Luckily for us, the sixth grade dialogue makes it easy for us to not really care about anyone, so they can have as many characters as they want. I have the distinct pleasure of being friends with a local news anchor who made the rounds on the internet when her live interview with Caine and Freeman went viral as poor Morgan fell asleep during the interview. I watched the interview prior to the movie and was suspicious of the fact that the only thing discussed about the movie was the grandness of the magic tricks. And now I know why; all the attention went into the tricks, and none into the dialogue, plotting, or audience.

Director Louis Leterrier is hit or miss with me and this time he missed. I found his effects and randomly swooping cameras distracting and annoying. The interaction of the principals and particularly The Four Horseman is childish at best and wooden at worst. Their portrayal of a team of showmen on stage pained me greatly as I felt zero chemistry. A stilted and phony set of fake acting when they were supposed to be a crowd pleasing group of personality dynamos. They finish each other’s sentences like people who are waiting to finish each other’s sentences. Leterrier directed Now You See Me like an expensive board game. The actors were the detailed plastic markers that he just moved around on an ever growing game board filled with car chases, massive crowds, fight scenes, and a pulpy magic back story about a secret organization called “The Eye” that would make the Illuminati seem like McDonalds by comparison.

Jesse Eisenberg to queen’s bishop four.

The plot continues its convolutions as The Four Horsemen attempt to outwit the law, to complete their year long plan of theft, ostensibly so they can join “The Eye.” Will they complete their goal? Who is running the show? Why is the FBI so inept? Is “The Eye” really worth all this craziness? As an audience member you could make guesses as to who is really whom and what is really going on, but it doesn’t matter; you really don’t have a chance and any correct guess is just luck. You’re not meant to know anything until it’s revealed in swirling, ham-handed fashion. And when the hoodied interloper is finally revealed, and my female peer in the front left of the theater burst out laughing because she finally had enough, I knew I was done. I guess it’s cool to see the ideas and implementation of these tricks, but magic aside, what I really want is something to care about: characters, story, thematics, anything. Now You See Me provides none of that.

Atlas declares at one point, when arrested by the FBI, “The first rule of magic: always be the smartest person in the room.” I guess he’s right, because I feel stupid for seeing this.