Somewhere I read that Thor: The Dark World cost 110 million dollars to make. It certainly doesn’t look like it.

I would like to take 109 million of those dollars to build a time machine, travel back to 1982, and give the remaining one million to new wave band A Flock of Seagulls and see what kind of music video they could have made for “I Ran (So Far Away)”.

Why, you ask?
Why not.

That certainly seems to be the answer to every question asked of the filmmakers when making the piece of overstuffed nonsense where discretion and restraint have zero meaning. This movie is what people are referring to when using the phrase “threw everything in, including the kitchen sink”.

Whew – this plot makes me tired.

I knew something was wrong in the first five minutes of full on narration that just bombarded me with a fairly ridiculous story about some dark beings who controlled some substance that has some name that can destroy the universe, somehow. And then the planet of Thor people managed to beat the non-Thor people and bury the substance so that no one could find it again.

Except now. In 2013. On Earth. In an abandoned warehouse.

“Why Earth?”
“The Convergence,” answers Thor with the authority of a fifth-grader figuring out the secret to an Encyclopedia Brown mystery.

It seems every 5,000 years the nine realms align in the universe, allowing each realm to have access to the other. Or something something something. This allows Natalie Portman to fall through a break in space-time and get directly infected with the dark substance that can destroy the universe. Thor seems concerned, so he magics her back to his planet for his doctors to take a look. They think she’s ill but they don’t realize she’s sick with the destruction of their universe. Which is understandable because most people don’t get sick with that. Luckily Thor’s Dad figures it out after she almost kills everyone by accident. She is bad ju-ju he says. But what’s worse are the dark beings, the anti-Thor planet people, who really know what to do with this stuff and are really motivated to retrieve it. They are mad they were defeated. And they can’t wait to destroy the universe and live in darkness, cause that’s their thing apparently.

As a dark being, I have great lighting.

Thor: The Dark World bounds around at a relentless pace between flaccid love story (remember, they love each other), massive action set piece, irregular humor where everyone is an idiot, gigantic loud battles, quiet back story discussions, more explosions, another dose of humor, random new facts about whatever, yet more boom boom boom…. you get the idea. It’s jut not content to cut half the crap going on and tell a more focused story. And the budget… oh the budget. This film looks terrible. Muddy, soft edged visuals of the Thor planet that appear put together like Colorforms. Stuff just sitting on top of other things in a way I found immediately unimpressive. Especially when people like Edgar Wright can make such a better looking special effects movie on a smaller budget in The World’s End.

I didn’t like the first Thor and I like this one even less. But one thing they were consistent about was what short shrift they gave to Thor’s brethren and supposedly also super powered warriors who are treated like little kids who need to go sit at the small table. They fight, sure. But they need Thor to win. I remember from the first film when they bust their butts getting to Earth to help out and Thor immediately tells them to go home. Same thing here. They serve no purpose.

Oh, but there is Loki. He serves a purpose. Helping Thor fight the dark ones with his shape shifting abilities. But really his purpose is to sell tickets because audiences think he’s funny. The random nature of his powers showing up at just the right moments to fool everyone and fulfill whatever the writers want to have happen. And it seems that what the writers want to have happen most is a sequel.

At one point GI Joe turned to me as we watched the film and said “I’m sorry.”

How science is depicted in Thor.

He probably noticed me fling my hands in the air and bounce repeatedly into the back of my seat. Thor was right. It was the convergence. The convergence of blathering writing, unimpressive visuals, inconsistent tone, and trash compactor plotting.

I cared about nothing, no one, no plot point. Nada. I don’t even care to explain in more detail. It’s just a numbing experience.

At 112 minutes, it plays more like 5 hours.

But what do I know? This has been the number one movie in the world for two weekends.