Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit is a movie about how Chris Pine gets into a military helicopter, takes off his seat belt, gets shot out of the sky by an Afghani missile, crash lands while bouncing all around the interior of the helicopter, breaks his back, saves two people, and comes out looking like Chris Pine.

It has the kind of geography where Chris Pine can travel from Russia to NYC, discover the identity of an as yet unknown villain on the way, then find him in the middle of NYC all in the same day.

It has the kind of logic where Chris Pine can get on a motorcycle traveling at blistering speeds through NYC, while chasing a villain, and make a phone call on his Windows Phone and actually hear the conversation.

At first I thought it strange he used a Windows phone but then I realized the CIA probably chose Windows because no one has hacked them: mainly because nobody writes software for them.

So this movie is supposed to be, I guess, the origin story of Jack Ryan. The spy created by Tom Clancy. The only problem is this Jack Ryan exists because of the 9/11 tragedy. Which means the Jack Ryan of The Hunt For Red October doesn’t exist yet cause that movie takes place in 1984. Which means once again Chris Pine is playing the alternate universe, time traveling version of a decades old, already established character. That’s quite the niche.

But let’s face it. He’s hired because of his looks. Not that he can’t act. But Jack Ryan’s face has gotten a serious upgrade since starting life as a younger Alec Baldwin.

“Wait, you’re not Alec Baldwin.”

My favorite spy movie is Ronin – a movie where nobody really looks like a spy… but there’s no doubt how much of a spy each is. In this one, commander Kevin Costner announces his spy credentials. Probably because we wouldn’t otherwise believe him. Then Chris Pine signs on to the CIA and becomes a super spy who kills people out of instinct because of the “training” he got that we never saw. But it’s sort of important since he signed up to be a data analyst who had a limp (see the breaking back thing) and not an elite killer.

This film also has a nicely complicated plot about evil Russians. After a break from making the Russians our perennial enemies, they can be villains again because… well… Vladimir Putin.

Oh – another thing about good spy movies is the spies don’t have girlfriends. Even Jason Bourne got his girl killed in The Bourne Supremacy. So I was quite disappointed to see them give Chris Pine a girlfriend that he even proposes to. It creates that silly plot point of “but what is he going to do… they have his GIRLFRIEND?!?” This is why good spy movies don’t do this. It’s not even a joke. They really want us to believe in this love story. And how desperate he is when she gets…. *SPOILER BUT NOT REALLY* … caught! In any case, I didn’t buy it.

“Tell me again that you don’t like my movie.”

What I did buy though was Kenneth Branaugh’s icy stare when he, playing the villain, goes completely flatline with anger at dinner. It is single-handedly my favorite moment in the film for how visceral the tension is right then. I have no doubt they did 40 takes just to get it right. He’s such a good actor that I wish he’d stop directing because Shadow Recruit and the first Thor movie just haven’t done it for me.

Trying to jump start Chris Pine as an action spy in a role that never really lent itself in that way is a mistake. It’s not James Bond camp. Jack Ryan is supposed to exist in the real world but the credibility in Shadow Recruit is really pushed past the limit (starting with that breaking back thing). So he’s just a way too pretty guy in a franchise reboot. He’s the wrong person for the wrong role. Pine works as Captain Kirk because Kirk was always a sex symbol. So this means all the dumb plot devices and convolutions of Shadow Recruit are just in service of getting 25+ year old women to come out to see their heart throb kick some spy butt. This movie is cast for the sex symbol draw. Combine that with the years of constant pablum movies starring gorgeous men and stunning women, finally drew me a single conclusion – Hollywood should just get over themselves and make porn. I mean, that’s what they are doing right? Selling sub-par films with hot bodies? Just admit it and make real porn. One hundred and forty million dollar porn. Chris Pine won’t be involved I’m sure, but imagine the porn you can make with that kind of budget.

Not even the writers.

Or you can make more poorly realized films that sorta make back their costs, like this one is kind of doing. A complicated movie that destroys the back story of a beloved character by creating a whole new one. Why not just make… oh I don’t know… a NEW ONE!

Oh man – I haven’t told you the plot. Okay, here goes. Jack Ryan wants to save the country after 9/11. Gets hurt. Is recruited by CIA. Unexpectedly beomes a secret agent. Has a girl he wants to marry. Has to stop Russian plot to destroy American economy. Does so via intense chase scenes and hand to hand combat.

Some of this stuff is fun to watch. The colors are pretty.

At 105 minutes it plays like… I’m not sure; it passes the time. Some of it is fun. Some of it is exciting. But none of it is memorable. And I just wanted it to be better. The previous Jack Ryan films are better.

p.s. Here’s what my friend Doug said:
“I left the film wondering what was the point of making this film. They wanted a younger rebooted Jack Ryan, I get it. They did that with James Bond. But the youger generation doesn’t care who Jack Ryan is. So they cast it with actors teens and 20 somethings will know and generally like. But then they make a movie about geopolitics and drop it in the middle of January, so the demographic they made it for they have no desire to court. The film never goes full action or full spy, either. Meanwhile, Clancy/Jack Ryan fans don’t get the smart espionage thriller they’ve come to expect. So who did they make this for?”