A few minutes after Liam Neeson goes on his hunt for the bad guys in Taken 3, I realized that nobody had been taken. The first film had Liam’s daughter get “taken” and in Taken 2 it was his wife. And in those films Liam exposes people to his special set of skills and saves his family despite all the protestations from the bad guys who claim there are no “take-backsies.”

Yes, I know that by this point we get the story of who he is and it doesn’t always need to be about people being kidnapped but the movie is called TAKEN! It’s like watching Murder She Wrote and not having there be a murder (a murder mystery tv show from the 80’s for our younger readers). But after my viewing with friend Doug, I think we can both agree the people who got taken is the audience.

The moment she realized how bad a film she was in.

Director Olivier Megaton is back after directing the sequel. As Doug pointed out, his is a waste of a great name. Olivier has seemingly made no progress between movies in his filmmaking skill. While this third film is definitely better than number two (mainly because the story is better), that wouldn’t take much. Taken 2 is terrible. Back again is the incredibly distracting editing style. There’s a scene where Liam Neeson slices peppers in his kitchen. Except instead of just slicing peppers, we are witness to a series of jarring jump cuts to give it life and energy and verve or something. Slice. Jump. Slice. Jump. Slice. Jump. I knew I was in for a rough evening. Megaton is possibly the worst action director alive right now. There was a car chase sequence with multiple cop cars, some driving against traffic, some not. I wasn’t at first sure which car Neeson was in. Like it would make sense that he’d be driving against traffic as he’s trying to escape but visually it was like a turning a Jackson Pollack painting into a moving picture. Actually that gives it too much gravitas. Megaton’s film style could be done in my living room, much less a multi-million dollar movie set. It amounts to shaking the camera wildly so frenetic colors smear across the screen, then stopping on an image of a cop car. Then more smearing, then Liam Neeson. Then smears, then a truck flips upside down. You get the point.

I’ll do this movie if you’ll do it.

Neeson’s character is framed for the murder of his wife and must escape the pursuit of the police while he tracks down the third installment of Easter European evil doers. Forrest Whitaker shows up this time as the smart, likable, and quiet police detective tracking Neeson down. A role he plays far too often. He’s has this knight from a chess board that he carries around with him. Megaton takes time to show this chess piece again and again. Except, it serves no purpose. I don’t mind character detail but in a film with so little to focus on, such attention seems like it’s screaming for explanation. And we get none.

There’s a sequence where Liam drives his trapped car through a grating and down… an elevator shaft? A big air vent? I’m not sure. Something big enough for a car to go in. Blur blur blur. Car in shaft. Whatever. Then a huge explosion. Multiple cars explode and we are treated to multiple views of multiple takes of said explosions. BOOM! Now from this angle. BOOM. Now from this angle…. I guess it’s to make sure you see it, in case you were doing something else with your eyes.

The story gets increasingly convoluted as it winds its way to a fight with the deadly Russian in his underwear (don’t ask). It also becomes increasingly clear that the editing is designed to hide the fact that Liam Neeson is like 60. I don’t think he can outrun anybody at this point.

Neeson beats up underwear man. I told you!

In looking up Megaton I see he also directed the abysmally boring Transporter 3. I don’t know why they keep hiring him. When doing sequels of established and successful series, it skews the perception of your talent. Of course your movie will make money. People don’t know it’s going to suck because the first movie didn’t suck and they are willing to forgive a crappy sequel and give it one more chance. So here’s the test: hand Megaton a brand new movie, a new franchise, and see if people like it. My guess is they won’t. Blam.

Writer/Producer Luc Besson usually takes his hyper stylized movies to comic extremes. But Taken is meant to be <title> seriously. So the truly bizarre elements, like Liam inexplicably disappearing from an exploding car and having it explained in flashback, feel really out of place. By the way – the flashback doesn’t actually explain anything. Like – seriously. It doesn’t even show him escape. Or if it did, I missed it in the color smearing.

At 109 minutes Taken 3 feels like zero, because I’m not sure I even saw a movie. At the end I was wondering what I was doing there.